Mom Brain on Meds.

 One of the things I had explored with my psych guy after my first couple appointments was seeing how I responded to a couple different medications.  I tried his first choice, which he described as "softer". So far I have to agree. The effects are noticeable but the decrease in anxiety and chaos in my head is slow and soft indeed. More importantly, my anxiety faded away to nothingness. I just felt good, in control of myself and very calm and quiet.  So today I'm trying second choice, generic, of course. It's complicated because I have a lot going on in my life right now so the emotional side of things might not really be helped much, or maybe it will, but I might just be appropriately freaked out about everything right now? Who really knows? I'm planning on monitoring my blood pressure, and maybe journaling to try to figure out if there is a best med. Either way if this is acceptable I will most likely switch on and off of this and the first med to keep my brain f...

 I have drafts of things. I swear. Even with meds sometimes life is still a bit of a circus up in my brain. I have the chair and the whip now so the lions are backed off a bit, but yeah. Still a bit wild up there from time to time. It's still sort of a game of "Pills don't teach the skills" so slowly, so slowly I'm learning how to do the things I need to do.  Something that is different is that when I am doing maladaptive things (daydreaming, quitting things when they feel hard or not interesting) I can tell myself to move on or refocus. That feels like a big step for me. I still feel avoidant of phone calls, I don't like talking to people on the phone, it makes me really anxious. I have sent a few calls to voice mail more than I should and I know I have to work on that. I can ignore things much easier and stay on track. I also notice that the medication makes me what I would call "lazy", but what it might actually be is just relaxed so I don't f...

 It feels really unbelievable that at the grand old age of 46 I would get a diagnosis like ADHD. I guess I should back up a bit and give some background.  Growing up in Utah in the 70's, 80's and 90's as an Asian kid was...interesting? I mean, honestly, it was a lot confusing and a little weird in hindsight. A lot of the "issues" or "problems" were very complicated and intertwined with what people talk about as "adoption trauma" these days. I was Korean, adopted by a white Scottish mom and a white dad from Nebraska living amid a lot of white Mormon people. Identity crisis doesn't really cover it. Was I disorganized? Definitely. Did I feel like people disliked me? Yes. And in some cases, I was probably right, but mostly I think people just didn't know what to do with me. I did not fit in and it was pretty easy to figure out why, being Asian and Catholic . Was I so full of anxiety I felt like I was going to pop? Yes. But there were so man...