Sometimes even with meds...

 I have drafts of things. I swear. Even with meds sometimes life is still a bit of a circus up in my brain. I have the chair and the whip now so the lions are backed off a bit, but yeah. Still a bit wild up there from time to time. It's still sort of a game of "Pills don't teach the skills" so slowly, so slowly I'm learning how to do the things I need to do. 

Something that is different is that when I am doing maladaptive things (daydreaming, quitting things when they feel hard or not interesting) I can tell myself to move on or refocus. That feels like a big step for me. I still feel avoidant of phone calls, I don't like talking to people on the phone, it makes me really anxious. I have sent a few calls to voice mail more than I should and I know I have to work on that. I can ignore things much easier and stay on track.

I also notice that the medication makes me what I would call "lazy", but what it might actually be is just relaxed so I don't feel the drive to do something all the time. I know that the medication isn't working as well when I feel that motor start up in my head and I start needing to be busy or move non-stop. I don't have an accurate metric for what it means to "relax" and then decide to "work". There isn't a way for me to shut off normally, but the medication makes me feel very calm and in control of things. I still have my insecurities and I still feel scared or intimidated by life, but the edge is off of it. The negative things mostly feel like they are normal aspects of the life I've lived and I can contextualize them so much better now. 

I have so much going on right now. So much that would have derailed me in the past and caused me to feel trapped. The diagnosis of ADHD was so important and the medication has had a profound impact on how I am able to deal with things now. I don't know that I will need to be on medication continuously for the rest of my life, but I am certainly open to it if necessary. I like how I feel when I am on it, the calmness and quietness gives me a sense of being capable and "okay". I literally don't know what the future holds, I have a job ending soon and an abusive ex-husband and so many things I need to pay for but for the first time I feel like I can figure something out. I still feel scared and nervous, but I feel like it will be okay.