New meds trial, fingers crossed!

 One of the things I had explored with my psych guy after my first couple appointments was seeing how I responded to a couple different medications.  I tried his first choice, which he described as "softer". So far I have to agree. The effects are noticeable but the decrease in anxiety and chaos in my head is slow and soft indeed. More importantly, my anxiety faded away to nothingness. I just felt good, in control of myself and very calm and quiet. 

So today I'm trying second choice, generic, of course. It's complicated because I have a lot going on in my life right now so the emotional side of things might not really be helped much, or maybe it will, but I might just be appropriately freaked out about everything right now? Who really knows? I'm planning on monitoring my blood pressure, and maybe journaling to try to figure out if there is a best med. Either way if this is acceptable I will most likely switch on and off of this and the first med to keep my brain from acclimating too much. 

This is the dance I am finding I need to do in order to figure out what a "normal" life looks like. I am so new in this process I don't know what kind of life I am capable of. It's all very complicated, and just like so many undiagnosed or newly diagnosed women out there with kids, peri menopause and maybe even a new life and job on the horizon,  it feels very daunting. I ask myself all the time "Can I do this?" "What do I do now?" Sometimes there are not words to describe the feelings I have about my past and my future. Things feel murky a lot of the time right now. 

One thing that has been clear is that all my life when I felt that I was missing some piece of information or some skill, I was right! As triumphant as this has felt it has also felt upsetting and disappointing. It does frustrate me that in all likelihood the difference between me being a pharmacist or physician right now was probably a diagnosis and a very inexpensive generic medication, as well as information and support. It would have given me the knowledge and the ability to seek the skill sets to be successful within the framework of my ADHD. 

I was listening to the excellent Dr. William Dodson, M.D., LF-APA recently. He gave a webinar for ADDitude Magazine (https://www.additudemag.com/webinar/adhd-medication-for-adults-adherence-problems-solutions/), or ADDitude podcast number 396. He talks through the why's of adult non-adherence to medication. For me many of the points he makes are very important ones. The rate of non-adherence is very high for a set of medications that is demonized so heavily. I worked in a pharmacy and the safety and security surrounding the stimulants and the morphine based drugs created a sense of fear of those types of medications. Now, as someone who needs stimulants to feel good and be able to achieve anything in a day (and also someone who forgets to take their subsequent doses really, really often) it blows my mind that they are classed in the same schedule as Fentanyl and Oxy. If anything, for someone with ADHD it seems like stimulants make you feel really great and capable and then you forget to take them until you feel terrible again and you realize you forgot. 

As much as this whole deal is a medical diagnosis and I am adjusting to that reality it's also become a weird journey of self discovery and forced "mindfulness" about how I am doing on a day to day or sometimes hour to hour basis. Just yesterday I was feeling really overwhelmed and tired and anxious and as I got the kids to bed and reflected on my day I realized I took my morning dose of meds and that was all. No wonder I was going in circles then collapsing in anxiety/exhaustion by 4pm like I used to pre-diagnosis. Another lesson learned, and I'm sure it won't be the last time.