Jet fuel for the brain.

After a couple weeks on the new med I stopped and reverted back to the original.  Adderall works...maybe a bit too well? It's an acceptable substitute if the first stops being effective. Definitely more side effects and honestly I am a meaner human on it. I'm just really impatient and irritable and feel annoyed when I am not able to constantly finish out what I want to completion. It's probably great for when my kids are not around and I have something critical I need to finish or start, but kids and Adderall? I am not the sweetest mom on it. My heart rate felt higher than normal and I had a hard time not focusing if that makes any sense. The blood pressure thing wasn't an issue really, I am hypotensive to begin with

I watched a documentary called "Take your Pills" the other day on Netflix. I totally get their perspective, but I felt it was a little one sided. Is there abuse of prescription amphetamines? Yes. No question. Back in my day it was a lot less prevalent, and we didn't have the digital access to each other like we do now, but even then I am sure it was something that existed even in the 90's. They really didn't account for the change in the volume of research into ADD/ADHD that has changed between the 70's and 80's until now. There is a lot more knowledge and the diagnosis of this condition has and is changing pretty constantly. To simply cite the change in number of prescriptions over time is a misleading metric. In the 70's, 80's, 90's and even the early 00's there was a critically under diagnosed half of the population, namely, women. Even now it's hard as a female to be diagnosed, but it is finally happening. Think about all of the POC that were not diagnosed, they were called "bad kids" or racially stereotyped instead of being given help. Talking about the increase in prescriptions is useful, of course, but insinuating that it is a function of both over prescribing or of abuse is somewhat one sided. Maybe our understanding of this condition is evolving, maybe more people are seeking help and are able to get it as that understanding changes. That would naturally contribute to an increase in medication prescriptions. The world is very complicated and we won't ever be able to serve every person or section of the population perfectly, it just isn't possible. There will always be bad actors and it will always be hard to screen for them, but do we punish the people that have a legitimate medical need for the medication? 

I think it feels reassuring that there is an alternative to the Ritalin for me. It's not perfect, but my life won't fall apart and I won't end up losing my house or not remembering to do critical adult things now, even if I am more irritable. I don't forget kid's activities that they need to be driven to. I will remember to both write and look in my planner every day. I will be able slow myself down enough to do those things without just running and running and running and feeling desperate and driven to do things without stopping and not knowing why. I won't be depressed or suicidal or anxious to the point of desperation. Things won't just evaporate out of my head and disappear. I can learn to feel confident in myself and my abilities as I am more and more successful and less and less forgetful, flakey, inconsistent. 

I think the thing I didn't love about the Adderall is why some people take it without a prescription. It's like jet fuel for the brain for me. Others definitely will have a different experience than me, but the Ritalin is calming. I feel calm and quiet and happy and I sleep well and am able to "be mindful" when I need to. I can still be interrupted by my kids and also stay on task without any irritation. It clears my mind to attend to whatever is happening without feeling like things are in sensory overload. Without it the noise in my brain is chaotic and loud and constant and feels cluttered. A simple "Mama, look!" was one thing in about 200 happening inside my head and would sometimes almost bring me to tears as I tried to do something like check my planner or make dinner. The amount of energy it took me to do simple things and complete them was huge and exhausting. It was like being the last player in dodge ball in the center of 200 people throwing balls at you and you trying to keep track of one moving person among 200 moving people and 200 balls being thrown at you all at once and your beloved child saying joyfully "Mama, look!".  The Ritalin took all the players and all the balls away instantly. I was in control of my mind and my attention.  I can write this and I will complete it with my youngest saying "Mama, look" every 45 seconds to show me how adorable she is with our dog. I can keep my train of thought and still stop to watch her being her creative, adorable self and not forget what I want to write. The electric buzz of anxiety is gone, and now when I take my medication vacations it's a very low level. I am not worn down by the constant activity in my brain, it feels a bit like a novelty now on my weekends.