Welcome to the party, the middle aged lady ADHD party...

 It feels really unbelievable that at the grand old age of 46 I would get a diagnosis like ADHD. I guess I should back up a bit and give some background. 

Growing up in Utah in the 70's, 80's and 90's as an Asian kid was...interesting? I mean, honestly, it was a lot confusing and a little weird in hindsight. A lot of the "issues" or "problems" were very complicated and intertwined with what people talk about as "adoption trauma" these days. I was Korean, adopted by a white Scottish mom and a white dad from Nebraska living amid a lot of white Mormon people. Identity crisis doesn't really cover it. Was I disorganized? Definitely. Did I feel like people disliked me? Yes. And in some cases, I was probably right, but mostly I think people just didn't know what to do with me. I did not fit in and it was pretty easy to figure out why, being Asian and Catholic . Was I so full of anxiety I felt like I was going to pop? Yes. But there were so many acceptable reasons for it. My mother had shaky mental health at best, as did my father. They divorced and remarried and that took forever, which meant a lot of fights, and drama and retaliation. I have more reasons for anxiety and depression then can really be counted at this point. It's all a big tangled ball of yarn up there for my therapist. Poor thing. So that's the early life, let's fast forward to my disorganized mid life, shall we?

I have always had follow through issues. There it is. Did I do the basics? Yes, I paid rent, put gas in my car and went to work. I have started so many exciting projects only to drop them when they got too monotonous and then mentally beat myself up about it, even as I could not bring myself to complete them. I mentioned rent and gas, but I often forgot to pay things like credit card bills, lots of late fees have been paid in my life. Library books? Oh boy. I should have an entire wing of a library named after me for how many books I forgot about completely or turned in late. "What is WRONG with me?" I would wonder as I yet again paid a library fine. I could be busy like no one else, I can see now that my schedule was a product of my ADHD. No one in their right mind enjoys getting up at 6, heading to work at the University at 7:30, going to classes, doing a research project, going to my co-op job at the zoo then working out then heading back to school to study until midnight to 2am. There was my hyperactivity right there. I turned in late assignments. I half assed the finishes of projects that I just became fed up with. I declared bankruptcy in my very early 20's. I could not budget. More than once I cried and wondered how I could be so broken and messed up. As time went on I did figure out things to help me live acceptably. I learned how to compartmentalize my money a bit better, though I wasn't a good saver. I learned that if my apartment or house was clean and uncluttered I would feel better and remember to pay my bills or do my laundry.  I had perennially low self esteem, something I'm just now starting to figure out. I just felt like I was a terrible human being, that morally I was somehow bad and couldn't figure out why or how. Some of that was my mom, she would tell me every opportunity she had about how selfish and irresponsible I was. How much better my brother was, how she was disappointed in me and how I wasted my potential. My self esteem has really affected my ability to make friends that last. I would withdraw if I felt that anyone was upset or unhappy with me and that resulted in lost relationships. I felt safer on my own. 

I married after a very effective love bombing campaign launched as I moved to Arizona from Florida. I heard declarations like "You are the only one I can make it with" and "If I can't make it work with you, I can't make it work with anyone, you are perfect" among others. There were care packages mailed to me and I was on the highest pedestal I have ever been placed on. It seemed really unusual and even though I felt like an imposter, I wanted to believe it. I wanted to be this amazing great person, even though in my heart I felt like a major fuck up.  I was moderately good at taking over the bills. Budgeting was still a bit tough, but I did okay. Then kids happened. After our son was born it was like I just couldn't do anything but directly take care of him. I think part of it was the intense anxiety that ADHD promotes. I forgot bills, I forgot to pay a property insurance bill for my wedding ring. I could not keep things in my head. It was so stressful. Budgeting became so hard, it was just impossible to remember everything and keep a tiny human alive. My husband was angry at me all the time, not just about bills, but about everything. Taking care of our son was so much focus for me, I was so anxious and afraid I would mess up that I put everything into it. He was furious, he would retreat to a bedroom for days in silence, then launch an hours long verbal assault at the end of the silence, there was gaslighting, verbal abuse, explosive anger where things would be smashed in other rooms. This continued for years. The combination of his abuse and my then unknown ADHD was incredibly toxic and painful. Because of my low self esteem I felt like I deserved what was coming to me. I had heard for years from my mom that I was a terrible, irresponsible and selfish person so the abuse made a lot of sense to me. Once our daughter was born it was as if I just lost the ability to cope with anything. Everything felt hard and the sight of my husband was physically painful because of the level of fear and anxiety he promoted in me. We finally had to divorce, I just could not connect with him again on any level and he would not or could not understand the damage that his abuse and control had brought to the marriage. The problem was really multi-modal. With my ADHD I was so sensitive at that point that repair was impossible, my PTSD was very pronounced. He refused to acknowledge his abusive behavior in any meaningful way and was also hiding money and seeing sex workers during the pandemic. I was just broken on too many levels. 

After the divorce I tried hard to get things back on track for myself. I felt anxious, depressed and borderline suicidal a lot of times. It felt impossible to take care of myself and my kids in a substantial or effective way. My therapist and doctor were very concerned about me. I was concerned about me. I began to take steps like giving a friend my handgun for safe keeping so it wasn't in my house. I tried another therapist and a SNRI medication (which for reasons I will explain in another post, I was loathe to take). My insurance does not cover therapy and I could not afford out of pocket, the medication made me very sick and so I felt very despondent. I felt like I had tried everything in my power and it was a sign that I just wasn't going to be able to take care of myself. For the sake of my kids I figured I would plod along as best I could for as long as I could dealing my my feelings of desperation, depression and agitation as long as I could. 

One day I was listening to a podcast called Ologies with Alie Ward, as a science nerd whose brain goes in all different directions I love her podcast. On this fateful day it was about ADHD, which my son has. As I listened to Alie and Dr. Russell Barkley talk something clicked, shifted, moved in a very seismic way inside of me as they discussed ADHD in adult women. In shock I messaged my doctor and she set an appointment and referred me to a psychiatrist. I was so anxious about the appointment. I was scared. What if after all this time and suffering, and my great "AHA moment" I get to the psychiatrist and he says "No, that isn't your problem".  What if I have even more suffering to endure? What if I don't get a diagnosis of anything?  After a series of thorough appointments he prescribed generic fast acting Ritalin (Methylphenidate) for me to try. 25 minutes after taking 5mg my mind became very quiet. I have never had a moment of silence in my head and it was almost disorienting. About 80% of what I would have called anxiety disappeared. It was strange and revelatory. "Is this how neurotypical people feel?" I wondered. I then set out to test myself. I organized my fire safe, something that I had attempted to do for almost a year, every time failing and placing everything on top of the empty safe to attempt again the next week. Done in 5 minutes, I set a timer. I deleted 500 of the 8k emails I had in my email account. It took 30 minutes of time sitting in one place, something I am typically incapable of doing unless it's very interesting or new or engaging or I am going to get a failing grade. At that point I could fully embrace my diagnosis, I was fortunate that the first medication that I was prescribed was the one that worked for me. It helped me close the circle so to speak and armed me with the basic knowledge to move forward and help myself. 

I do feel like I am embarking on this new journey to discover who I really am now. Better late than never I suppose. If you stumble upon this blog and feel the urge, tell me your story in the comments below.